I have reached a breaking point and could use some wisdom.
I recently read the average household has 300,000 items. Well, I have three households and I’m overwhelmed with belongings and treasures. My mom was a saver, her mom was a saver, her aunts were savers.
I have “inherited” both my parents’ things as well as my grandmother’s things. (My mom was an only child.) My mom moved into a senior living house 4 years ago. Since then, she’s moved three times. Each time, a little more has come home with me and now my house is stuffed.
Help me. What do I keep, how do I keep it, and what do I toss – as there is “heart” in some of these things?
Here’s some “beautiful and special things” I’ve inherited:
- Old glasses from my grandparents.
- 300 recipes, either handwritten or clipped from newspapers or magazines.
- 20 old church recipe books from churches and ladies’ auxiliaries.
- Three sets of China and silverware.
- Costume jewelry.
- Dad’s old blueprints of a house he designed when he was a student at Stout State in Menomonie, Wisconsin.
- 2 recipe ledger-like books. Both handwritten from 1919. One from my grandma, Alma, and another from her sister, my great aunt Inga. These two sisters each kept recipe books in beautiful leather ledgers, alphabetized A through Z. Some of the pages are marked at the top where they have tried each other’s recipes and commented on whether they liked it. All written in beautiful script and in fountain pen ink.
- Sympathy cards from 1952 to my grandma from the loss of her husband.
- Sympathy cards from friends to my grandma over the loss of her sisters, Gena and Inga, who died in 1960.
- Sympathy cards to my mom after my father died in 2001.
- Lists of food donations to our family when Dad died.
- Christmas cards to my grandma, 1950s and on.
- baby congrat cards, to my grandparents (1935) and to my parents (’58-’62)
- wedding invitations, 1950s and on
- shower invitations, some from the early ’60s and earlier
- “In Remembrance” books, from both my mom and my dad’s side
- anniversary cards from my parents to each other (they were married over 40 years)
- birth announcements
- church bulletins of memorials given on behalf of ancestors
- Ten old hymnals (1918 and on) from various Lutheran churches that my grandma and her sisters attended – some are a blend of Norwegian and English due to congregants transitioning to America from “the old country”
- baby cards to my parents for each of their three kids
- Hundreds of holiday cards
- Cards from little cousins to one another, circa ’40s-’60s
- Letters my parents wrote to each other from 1953 to 1957 before they were married
- newspaper clippings of obituaries from unknown-to-me family members
- old tax, Social Security, bank, and life insurance statements from the 1940s and on
- baptism certificates, confirmation certificates
- old Bibles from the last two centuries some in old Norwegian and German gothic-like script. (A friend mom was visiting from Norway. She could not read it.)
- old binders of my dad and mom’s college lectures and handouts
- my parents’ school yearbooks
- Mom’s school report cards from elementary through high school. (1940-1953)
- Mom’s fifty photo albums.
- Thousands of loose pictures
- Thousands of negatives
I could continue on and on and on.
Please don’t misunderstand. I am grateful to be able to see and read a lot of the memorabilia I am going through, but I cannot save all of these things and other family members do not want these things. I need to make decisions on what to save and what to toss.
They are all treasures. Some of the sympathy cards have notes in them, saying what a wonderful person Inga was. I will keep a few of these.
But when I say I have ten full huge plastic bins filled with beautiful and special treasures, I am saying, “Help me. I don’t know what to do and where to start.”
Have any of you been through this daunting task of sorting through it all? How did you do it? Please advise.
Part of my struggle is this: These belongings belonged to people. All of these people mattered. They existed. They were here for God-ordained reasons. So, to throw away Mom’s 1935 baby shoes, knowing my grandma’s first child was stillborn and she waited seven long years to have my mom, seems mean to do.
I feel like, in tossing remnants, that I am saying to my ancestors, “You are insignificant. It doesn’t matter that you worked at Highcroft in Wayzata at the great Heffelfinger estate.
The Highcroft Estate on Lake Minnetonka, 1946
That the Bible you took with you as you left Kvikne, Norway and crossed the Atlantic in the 1880s, bears no significance to me because I can’t read it, let alone Norwegians living now can’t read it, even though its words likely helped you transition to your new life in Wisconsin and Minnesota.”
So, friends, calling on your help.
Give me some ideas!
About Julie Saffrin
Julie Saffrin is the author of numerous published articles and essays. Her latest book, BlessBack: Thank Those Who Shaped Your Life, explores the power of gratitude and offers 120 creative ways to journey toward positive, lasting change.
I’ve started a digital scrapbook for the paper items. Of course, anything saved must be well-identified. I am even considering starting a free WordPress blog to document some of these photos, recipes, and pictures of items with the stories behind them. That way when I pass, I can leave behind the login information and less stuff. My personal website is self-hosted and I just realized the other day that unless someone keeps paying for it, that will also go away. The other plan is to write a Word document called “The Story of My Stuff” and include pictures with the stories of items that belong to the family. That way the kids and grandkids might be more likely to appreciate the things if they know the story. I wish you well making these decisions!
Fantastic ideas, Mindy. And wow, hadn’t thought about our blogs going away unless someone pays to keep it going. What are you using as a digital scrapbook, an online place or your laptop? I have been using Microsoft Lens to capture photos glued into old photo albums. Works well, just need to find a safe place to store them so SD cards can’t get ruined or lost. Like you realize, pictures have stories. Love the free WordPress idea!
Julie, one thing you might think about, as we have. Our children want very little of what I’ve saved. They did not know my parents, husband’s parents or any of our own grandparents, so the sentimental attachment I have to “things” is something they do not have. If I’m saving something, it has to be for ME, because they will not have the emotional attachment. Just because I loved my mom, I’m not throwing her or her memory away if I recycle a card she gave me. I take one last “read,” and then let it go. It’s a change in attitude I’ve had to develop now that I’m in my 70’s and am thinking about my pack rat habits that my heirs will have to sort through. Don’t get me wrong – I’ve saved plenty of stuff – but trying to part with the easiest first. And, yes, digitizing photos and recipes works, too. Sometimes I will ask my daughters and daughter-in-law if anyone wants a specific thing, and if no answer, then I feel free to purge. It’s difficult but the clutter can be overwhelming. Lunch sometime?
First, lunch – YES – Shoot me some dates – [email protected] – I’d love to meet up. Secondly, I remember very well going to the garage sale you had of your aunt’s things. I have a little adorable blue and gold vase I bought at it as well as a Renoir picture (currently above the bed in our guest room and which I STILL adore – and which this summer I was able to see FOR REAL in a Paris museum). I remember you did a fantastic job of keeping the treasures that you really loved and being able to let go of what you didn’t. Yes, emotional attachment. It’s so real. Were someone to open this little glass jar I have in my office, they’d think, “weird,” but inside are rose petals I saved from my Dad’s funeral. It’ll get tossed, but every time I pass by it, it is a reminder to live my life as he did – with kindness. And, how did you get in your 70s? We’re still in our forties and fifties! 🙂 I do need to keep scanning away the things I want to keep too. Looking forward to seeing you, Fay.
Julie, See if you can donate the Bibles and multilingual hymnbooks to a Lutheran college. Retain one or two if you play the piano. Keep the blueprints, perhaps frame them. Sell the as much of the costume jewelry as possible. Some people collect it. If you can find the people who sent the wedding and shower invitations, regift those to them to trigger their memories. Toss the recipes from magazines. Keep the Ledger-Type books. They could be fiction fodder. Toss the tax papers and unknown-to -you obituaries. I sent my mother’s sets of china and silverware to a place that provides “replacement pieces.” They’ll only pay you for pieces that arrive unbroken after shipping, and don’t want things like tureens and gravy boats at all, but If I’d tried to e-bay the sets, I’d still have them.
Love all of these suggestions, Heidi. Thank you so much for taking the time to write this up. Love the Lutheran college idea. There is one about an hour from here! I did toss the magazine recipes. Also love the idea of giving the wedding invitations to family members. I did try to sell the China sets but it would have cost me more to ship them than I would have been paid for them. I did donate a couple pieces to a nice charity in town though and felt good about that. I kept the other two sets though as I just love them and never received China for my own wedding.
Hi Julie,
I too come from a family of savers, especially my mom. She too was an only child due to one baby brother who died several days after birth and the death of her 13 year old sister. Rheumatic fever. I think part of the reason she doesn’t throw anything away is a feeling of nostalgia and of wanting to hang onto what she has because she lost so much.
So, I’ve thought often of what I will do when she passes away and my brother and I have to deal with all of her things. Some things nostalgic to me but many mostly nostalgic to her.
One of the things I’ve done in the past with my kids’ stuff- toys, school work, pictures they’ve drawn, etc. is to take photos of them and then, with some trepidation, throw them out. I had two large trunks of the kids’ schoolwork, trophies, ribbons, favorite comic books, letters and cards, etc, etc. I asked them to come over one day and as a birthday present to me, spend the night going over everything (why else keep them for so long!?!?) and told them to keep what they wanted, take photos of things they wanted to remember and toss the rest. My son hardly through away anything and my daughter practically everything! (that was a little tough for me to watch….all those years of keeping these precious memories only to have her toss them without any regret! 😉
So that’s my best solution. I’ve become more of a minimalist lately….wanting to DECLUTTER MY LIFE!!! It’s been a journey and process. Moving several times (we just recently moved again) has added to the need and opportunity to get rid of things.
Will look forward to hearing of others’ ideas!
Hi Cindy,
Lovely to hear from you as well as to hear of struggling through this. I am sort of shocked that it was your daughter who did not want many things, but your son.
I do appreciate your wisdom. In the end, we can’t take these things with us – but I’ve always been one to love genealogy and being able to learn any morsel of information about my ancestors. Just this week I found my grandparents’ wedding announcement, their wedding pictures as well as the marriage certificate. (I had discovered their cake topper too – from 1927, but when I took it out of its tin protected in straw and put it in a plastic bin, when I returned about three months later, it had crumbled to bits except for the lone wedding bell. Anyway, this process has actually been therapeutic, made me feel a little more in control of the 300,000 items that surely must be in this house! I took a huge box of never-read books to a charity as well as some “treasures”. I think my heart rate went down as I left the parking lot. I like your idea of being a minimalist – While I don’t know that I’ll ever be the point of owning a couple of pairs of shoes, coats and purses, (well, I’m thinking when my kids put me somewhere when I’ve lost my senses they probably will), but I am in process, with each thing I make a decision upon and act on it, the weight of things is lifting! Hope you and Tim are doing well!. Hugs to you. Julie
Hi Julie, Just a couple of ideas/thoughts… but please keep in mind – I tend to purge more than save because for my peace of mind- I feel better when I have less stuff being stored etc. For me – for instance – when we moved, we donated many many boxes and bags etc… and releasing some of the boxes etc was a weight off my shoulders. That being said though – I hold as some of my dearest possessions the things that have been passed down from generations! so – here are some ideas/thoughts:
Grandmothers China/dishes: no one wanted a full set of china/dishes but my mom did take and pass down a serving piece or a place setting to each of us – including her sisters, all the grand children. So for each person – it wasn’t much but I do display and use the one or two pieces that I was given. Also – there are a couple of pieces that my grandma gave to me that she had for most of her life (from when she was a girl) – and when she passed those down to me, she shared the story around that particular piece. That story made all the difference in the world!
School books etc, I didn’t keep mine, I would not want my parent’s or grand parent’s – HOWEVER, I do have a small old german/english book that my grandmother used in school that has her notes on all the pages etc. I display that and I love knowing that she has read it and marked it up.
Christmas Cards – I don’t keep mine, I would not want to keep theirs.
Treasures: for a couple of treasures like your mothers baby shoes – i would want to keep those – I have a blessing box of some of your dad’s items that we display and I love having different items in that box – like some of his tools, his drafting tools, his baseball glove, his ruler with a bunch of his notes/writing on it. it is not a big box, but someday I think it would be nice to have a blessing box with some of your mom’s items.
Letters: I am a sucker for romance or any insight into my grandparents relationship so we do have the letters that my grandma and grandpa wrote to each other. My Aunt is thinking of scanning those so that everyone can read them. I also have a letter that I treasure from my great grandmother to my grandma when my grandma lost her 6 month old son to illness.
Diaries: Again I am a sucker for the day to day life and what they were going through so I do have my grandmother’s diaries and plan to keep those. It is fun to go back and see what she wrote when I was born, or my sister was born, or when my parents got married, etc. she didn’t write much as the diaries were those 5 year diaries but I still love them. I also love the fact that after my grandma passed away, my grandpa Harry continued to write in the diary daily in her place until the book was complete.
recipes: I would pick a few of the family favorite recipes and keep those hand written cards – I love having those! especially when in my grandmothers handwriting.
Bibles: For me – one of the most precious items that your mom has is her little black bible where she has tons of notes!! I would keep that and actually want to spend time reflecting with that Bible. so from a bible perspective – I would want one that is all marked up with that my grandmother or mother felt was relevant to them on a given day.
I could keep going – but you can probably see that what I would do is save selected items that really mean a lot or show a bit how they lived their life – I also like knowing that they have lived through so much in their lives and it helps me keep my life in perspective. I gave some ideas of what we have done in our family but I think everyone is so different on what is important or how they will remember their ancestors. I also know that not all of my kids or future grandchildren will want these items but I do believe that someone will – someone will probably have an interest in their history and will be the keeper of that history.. so keeping enough to pass down vs keeping enough for everyone is a big differentiator for me.
I can’t begin to imagine how I will feel when I need to go through my parent’s things and I know for certain there are items that I would never be able to get rid of – my mothers journals, letters, certain pieces of jewelry, a couple of items of my dad’s etc… so I am sure it must be hard.
Piece by piece 🙂
Jenny